Identity Crisis

Today I had my final presentation for senior design. Our design was getting ripped apart, and I finally had a moment of clarity. I don't want to be an engineer. And it's not because my team's design got ripped apart, either. Engineering is a sciency field, but I don't think it is concrete enough for me.

Our design was getting slammed mostly for inconsistency due to different values researched by each of us individually, but they were not cohesive enough when we tried to bring our results together. I don't want to be using science to create technology, I want to be creating science that in turn spurs technology.

As an engineering student, you don't realize the nitty-gritty stuff until you get pretty deep into your plan of study. At this point, I am only three weeks away from getting my degree. I might as well finish it out.

I'm just not passionate enough about making machines to do this the rest of my life. The shows that captivate me the most on the Discovery and Science channels all talk about the science itself. If there were a show outlining every individual system on an aircraft or spacecraft, I'd switch it off. Engineering is all about the teeny details, and I've always been more of a "big picture" kind of guy.

Somewhere down the line, I believe I'll be going back to school, but this time, to study science. Probably physics. I initially went into engineering because I thought I enjoyed the application of science into technology, but I have found that the science itself captivates me much more. I couldn't care less about the particular high-lift devices employed by an aircraft. The science of why those work interest me much more. I couldn't care less about specific chamber pressures on a rocket engine needed to generate enough thrust to get a spacecraft to a high enough velocity to maintain orbit, but the astrophysics involved in keeping the craft in orbit interest me greatly.

It is true. I am a scientist, not an engineer. I wish I would have realized that a few years ago, though. I have received training in something I am somewhat interested in, so it shouldn't be TOO painful to work for a few years and repay some debt before attempting to go back to school to get a degree in physics. Unfortunately, I believe that my lack of interest in engineering resulted in such a low GPA that I may have to start from the beginning with a bachelor's degree, I probably won't be able to get into a master's program...